My name is Eileen Lamb, and I was born and raised in France. As a child, I’ve always felt different from my peers. I had different interests than them, and felt disconnected. I’d watch them play and interact with each other and feel like I was missing something. I was in my own world and didn’t have access to theirs. As I grew up, my struggles didn’t get any easier.
I moved to the United States in my early twenties and had my first son, Charlie, a few years later. He was diagnosed with severe autism just before his second birthday. When I told my mom Charlie was autistic, she told me “Charlie can’t be autistic, you were the exact same way as a child, except you talked a lot.” And it’s true. I could relate to many of Charlie’s struggles. I needed to get answers so I decided to go through a lengthy therapeutic assessment to find out if I was on the spectrum myself. At the end of the assessment, it was revealed to me that I had indeed been living with high functioning autism my entire life. It was both a shock and a relief.
I was happy to know that there wasn’t anything “wrong” with me, but I was also sad because I feel like having gotten a diagnosis earlier would have made my childhood easier. I could have gotten more help.
Autism still affects my daily life in ways that sometimes hinder my own happiness. One issue is that I have a hard time forming and maintaining relationships. I can be too straight forward, and have difficulty understanding body language and social cues which often gets in the way. Daily errands and crowded places can be torture for me. Going grocery shopping, for instance, can be quite the challenge. I always have to give myself a pep-talk before making the big decision to head to the store. I wonder if neurotypical people notice how many annoying, intrusive noises there are in a grocery store. Carts rattling on the floor, the chatter of people, children running around, the speakers in the ceiling playing music, people bumping into things, and that one person nearby who’s always rearranging a damn bag of chips in their cart, crackling away. Maybe the worst to me is the incessant “bip bip bip” of the cash registers in the background. Because the bips aren’t predictable and don’t follow a pattern, they drive me crazy. While I’m trying to tune sounds out and not cross people’s gazes, I inevitably start bumping into people or things which causes further discomfort. To me, it seems like a superpower, that other people can effortlessly tune things out without feeling overwhelmed. I envy them.
My life motto is c I’m stubborn, and while that sometimes plays against me, it’s also a strength. I follow my dreams, and I try my hardest to not let fear get in the way, whether it’s fear of failure or rejection. I’d rather try and fail than not try at all.
Where do I go from here? I’ll keep pushing forward and going after my dreams. I hope to raise autism awareness and acceptance. I want people to realize that just because my disability isn’t visible, it doesn’t mean it’s not real. But I also want people to know that autism is a spectrum, so some people, like my son, are affected more severely than others. Just because you know one person with autism, doesn’t mean that everyone on the spectrum will be similar.
“Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”
EILEEN LAMB
Author of All Across The Spectrum and founder of The Autism Cafe, is an writer and photographer.
Born in France, she now lives in Austin, Texas with her husband and two sons, Charlie and Jude. On her blog, she shares the ups and downs of raising a severely autistic child while being on the autism spectrum herself. In her free time, Eileen enjoys daydreaming, wine, and road trips.
Follow Eileen's journey on Instagram: @theautismcafe
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